Freedom

On Friday afternoon, I went jogging with my bud bud Courtney.  I usually go by myself, so it was cool to go with a buddy this time.  I liked the company, and having someone else with me was a little more motivating - not just motivation to get out the door, but motivation to keep running rather than walking for long distances.

I haven't gotten on the ball as much as I would have liked in the past week.  I did, however, turn down a lot of sugary drinks and unhealthy snacks/desserts.  I don't buy junk food, and yet I consumed tons of it until I learned to just say no.  Now in my mind, I ask myself if it's really worth it.  Sometimes the answer is yes, but that is much less frequent than you might expect.

What is the dessert worth?  My mentality isn't the "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips," mentality.  Not directly.  I realized on my trip back home that I had inherited a lot of food issues and a lot of body image issues from my mom.  She has more profound reasons for having them, so I understand that it may be harder for her to break through them, but I just have them because that's what I thought was normal.  Still, though, it has been tough (both mentally and physically) to break through.  When food is your drug of choice to relieve the pain of life, every well-meaning friend can be a pusher.  No one would offer a drink to an alcoholic friend, but it's totally normal to drop off a plate of cookies or invite your friend on a 7-11 run for slurpees.  The trick is, a normal person can live without alcohol forever and ever and ever, but normal people DO drink slurpees on a hot day and occasionally indulge in a few chocolate chip cookies.  Occasionally and a few.  That's my battle ground.

In my perfect world (I'm not perfect at this yet), I eat normal foods only when I'm hungry.  I eat "fun foods" when I am not already full and am in the mood for that particular food and only if I am emotionally neutral.  I know that if I'm emotional at all, I will lose the "occasional and few" balance of normalcy.

I have gained so much freedom since beginning this program.  I can now buy clothing from the same stores where you buy your clothes.  I can finish a mile in less time than when I was in high school.  I can leave food on my plate.  I can say no to your plate of cookies, knowing that I am rejecting the sugar, not you.  So when I ask myself, "Is it worth it?" I am asking "Is it worth my freedom?"

A week from now I will have finished my first 5K.  Hopefully still alive and on my feet.  I'm really nervous about it.  I'm slightly excited, but mostly nervous.  I'm not as far along as I had hoped at this point, but at least I know that whatever happens, whatever my time, it will automatically be my Personal Best.